She's Not Coming Back

One night in the weeks following Stephanie's death, I awoke with that thought.  She is not coming back.   You might say, of course she's not coming back.  But in 2014 when her health really started a downward spiral, she always came back.  In April she had to go to a rehabilitation center in Waterbury for a two month stint while they tried to rehab the injury to her foot that she sustained when she fell on Easter night.  After many complications, she came back home - to a home fully equipped with medical equipment. 

 The following week she had to be admitted to the hospital for complications from her dialysis treatment, but she came back.  Then in August she fell and broke both of her ankles - leading to a month of back and forths between the hospital and a rehabilitation facility in Southbury.  But again, she came back.  Then in early June of 2015 she had to go to the hospital again for what they thought was a mild stroke, but once more, she came back.  But on July 24 she went to the hospital, and she didn't come back.  A couple of weeks later, I woke up with that sad thought.  This time, she isn't coming back. 

In the book of 2 Samuel chapter eleven, the unfortunate narrative of David's adultery with Bathsheba and the subsequent murder of her husband is recorded.  Because God was displeased with this, the child conceived from their union became ill and died.  While the child was ill, David was desperate for God to intervene.  He fasted and laid on the ground before God.  Finally the child died, and David's response astounded his servants.  He got cleaned up and ate a meal.  David then shared his reasons: “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”  (2 Samuel 12:22-23)   That last line is my focus.  I will go to him, but he will not return to me.  I personalize it to be -  "I will go to her, but she will not return to me.”

I can say this because although Stephanie isn't coming back, Jesus is coming back.

He promised that when he said,  "If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."  (John 14:3)

Even though she came back many times, this time Stephanie is not coming back, but Jesus is and because of that I know I will see her again. I will go to her, but she will not return to me.”

My Journey by Pastor Welty

When we used to travel as a family, my father would go to AAA and get a "triptik"  - a spiral bound map that was custom made for his trip.  As you turned the pages, you would see the next segment of your trip unfold.  Perhaps that explains why I travel the way I do. I'm not good at spontaneous travel but prefer to have things mapped out.  I use Map Quest most of the time or actual folding paper maps. (Some of you might have to "Google" that last one.)   I'm not good at using GPS because I don't like having a person with a British accent telling me what to do.  I like to know in advance what the next step is. 

On July 25 at 2:45 a.m., I began a journey when Stephanie passed away.   I don't have a map or GPS, and I don't really have a sense of where I'm going or how long it's going to take to get to wherever I'm going. This journey is unique to me and has many twists and turns as it goes.   It involves a sense of relief that my months of being Stephanie's care giver are over.  Relief that I don't have to do her daily dialysis treatments anymore and relief that I don't have to see the woman I love suffer in pain.  But loss that the woman I fell in love with over 35 years ago is not with me anymore.  

So here I am on this unpredictable, spontaneous journey which is why at any moment in time you may ask me: "How are you doing?" and the response may be "I'm doing alright", but the longer we talk, I might turn into a puddle right before your eyes.  It's completely random, and for those of you brave enough to be on the journey with me, you don't have to try to fix it for me because it can't be fixed, and my tears are not a set-back but rather fuel for the journey.  

I am fortunate to have some wonderful traveling companions.  My daughters, Abby and Emma, who are trying to understand their journey at the same time as I am trying to understand mine.  My family and my friends from inside and outside of our church community. But my most important companion is my Heavenly Father.  Each day I take time to be with him, and almost every day, He gives me something new to ponder. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of those things. Here it is from the Message:  Trust God from the bottom of your heart;   don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;  he’s the one who will keep you on track.

 Those words are about our general journey of life, but they have a special significance to me as I am on this random, unpredictable journey.  As I ponder those words, I take solace in the fact that my Heavenly Father is leading the way for me on this journey.  He knows where I am going and knows what pitfalls I'll need to avoid.  He'll be there to "keep me on track".  That doesn't mean that I don't need my other traveling companions.  It means that as long as I allow my Heavenly Father to lead me.  He will take me where I need to go.  After all, he has the "triptik"